Silence has a sound. I heard it yesterday. I leaned into listen to its eerie presence in room 206 as my kids sat silently taking the state test in a room where silence is strange.

And in its strangeness, I found the muted voices of my little humans whose silence was not consent, but rather resignation. And it is that resignation that screams at me in its silent compliance, for it is not us. I knew it. The kids knew it. And I think on some level they thought maybe I could save the day, smite the stranger, but alas I was silent, too.

Oh, I tried to rebel a bit. We did Smiles and Frowns on sticky notes, posting them on the front board as I handed out test tickets–“wasting” valuable testing time–but even this was a muted moment, not the rousing rebellion I had imagined in my head.

No just silence. An administrator walking in may have lauded the absence of sound and marveled at the diligence of students. It was an ideal testing environment, but in their perceived assessment, they would have been deaf to the silent screams of “why?” reverberating around the room, deeply etching guilt into my being. For I know not why. Of course, I know the attempts to explain the why of testing; I have heard them all before, but they fall woefully short of reassuring me there is any real purpose or value to standardized testing.

Yet they persist. They talk the talk. And in their talk they make just enough noise to drown out those who would resist. And we are left in silence. But that silence is not empty, that silence is not dead. There is sound in that silence, and once that silence finds its ear, it will be the tree that falls in the forest. But that day is yet to come. For now, the silence lingers; it waits. And while it waits, it grows. It grows in me, waiting for an opening, waiting for a moment. And that moment may be sooner than later, for I am not sure I can bear the guilt of silence much longer as my kids look to me with “why” in their eye.

Happy Tuesday, all. Please bear with me. I swear it’s a near-schizophrenic experience to be a teacher during state testing.

Do. Reflect. Do Better.

Gonna be a weird week. No Smiles. No Frowns. Desks in rows. Silence. I will frequently wonder if I am in the right room.

We start testing today. My sophomores will take the Smarter Balanced Assessment this week. In Washington, passing the SBA is a graduation requirement. Of course, this has been the reality for some time now: graduation has been tied to state testing for a number of years. And over those years, it has taken different forms with different names, as I indicated in last Friday’s post “Wearing Guilt” http://www.letschangeeducation.com/wearing-guilt-project-180-day-136/ .

This current form claims to be more valid, more reliable, “more smarter,” but so did each new iteration before it. In the end, it’s still just a standardized test, and it’s still a stranger come to claim domain over students’ learning, sorting kids into winners and losers. Here is a Twitter thread from this weekend, which shares my enduring concerns for this enduring reality, by any name.

But despite my resistance and revulsion to this stranger non grata, I will not let my negativity set the tone this week with my kiddos. I will encourage and assure, much as I did in my conversation with “J” on Friday.

And, that is just what we will do today as we find ourselves in a weird world: continue our journey. All we can do.

Happy Monday, all. Sorry for my tone of late. Hard time of year, but this too shall pass. Of course, I have been saying that for years.

Do. Reflect. Do Better.

I used to wear a cape. I used to paint my face. I used to write and sing songs. I used to assemble a group of kiddos from the previous year to inspire and encourage my current kids before state testing. We called ourselves the WASL (Washington Assessment of Student Learning) Wonders, and then when the test changed to the High School Proficiency Exam, we called ourselves the HSPE heroes.

I used to.

I no longer don a cape and tights. I no longer write and sing songs with my last year’s kids to rah-rah my this year’s kids to and through the state test.

I used to.

See, I thought I had to. I thought I had to be the “hero” to see them through the rough reality of standardized testing, and whether I believed in it or not, it was my job to get the kids there in mind and spirit. And I did this for ten years.

And then one day, I stopped. And not because the test went away. It’s now called the SBA (Smarter Balanced Assessment) and that will change with the next test. Not because the reality is any less real for my kids. They have to pass to graduate. Not because it’s no longer my job to prepare them for the test. I teach tenth-grade English in Washington State. It’s because…

Because I can no longer sell what I myself would not buy. I cannot, will not buy that standardized testing is the measure of my kids. In my stronger moments, I would bravely stand and wear that on a t-shirt for all the world to see, smiting standardization’s nefarious nature. But in my weaker, wonder-and-worry moments (like now, with the testing starting Monday), I fear I have not done my job; I fear I have let my kids down; I fear I have let my profession down, and I want to hide. But that is fear talking. It is not truth. It’s the narrative of nonsense.

I have let no one down. I know this. My kids know this. Come to my room if you want the real story. Let’s talk about learning, let’s talk about humanity. We have much to tell, and we would readily share. After all, it’s our story.

I no longer wear my cape, for I will no longer pretend to fly a false fiction. It was only an old, red sheet anyway. And the paint just washed off. And the songs were never really that good either.

I used to care. Used to. But I no longer do. I will play the pawn no more. So point your fingers. I will wear my guilt out in the open. Guess I already am.

Today’s Trail

Along today’s trail we will experience…

…connecting through Smiles and Frowns.

…responding to feedback and wrapping up essays.

…reflecting in our Journey Journals.

…hearing a Sappy Sy Rhyme.

Happy Friday, all. Sorry for the feisty post this morning. This time of year gets to me. Have a great weekend.

Do. Reflect. Do Better.

“Deficient. Never used that word in my writing before.”

“Yeah, I just used the word anathema for the first time in my blog post this morning, means something or someone that is strongly disliked.”

“Anathema, that word just sounds like it means something bad.”

We laughed, as he said the word aloud again.

We laughed. He laughed. That’s a big deal.

He doesn’t laugh. He barely, rarely smiles, and he certainly never does when schoolwork is the topic.

I want to describe him, but I can’t describe him. Oh, I have the words. That’s not problem. It’s just that the words break my heart, for I believe if you ever imagined all the things that a kid could have stacked against him, he would materialize before your eyes.

I see him every day, and my heart breaks for him every day. I do what I can to help, and he’s come to let me more as the year has passed, but yesterday, he let me in, and I stayed as long as I could, maybe longer than I should have, for I never did get to the other kids who needed my help. But, as they no doubt sat and watched and listened to his and my moment, they, too, witnessed some beauty in the human connection I shared with this young man. It was understood, I think by all, that there was nothing more important than that moment. And they, with grace, let us be.

And so, for the better part of twenty minutes, I sat with him and patiently, painstakingly–for working with writers at times requires Herculean efforts–on his essay. I wrote. He wrote. We scribbled. Backspaced. Laughed at his huge–I mean huge–fingers fumbling around on the keyboard, as he muttered, “I don’t type so good.”

At some point, feeling like he could manage the rest on his own, I left him to wrap up the quickly closing period with the rest of my kiddos. And as the bell rang and the room cleared, he was there at my desk, shifting his weight awkwardly from one foot to the other.

“Just wanna say thank you for your help. No one could do what you do. So, thanks.”

Plenty of others could and do, do what I do. But yesterday, I did what I did because I had to. I had a million other things to do, but I had to let the moment dictate, and I did. We stopped the world and melted into the moment. I may never get another moment with him quite the same, so I stayed. I lingered, finding myself fully present in a moment while the world waited.

Today’s Trail

Along today’s trail we will experience…

…connecting through Smiles and Frowns.

…(with reluctance) an interim SBA practice.

…wrapping up essays.

…reflecting in our Journey Journals.

…hearing a Sappy Sy Rhyme.

Happy Thursday, all.

Do. Reflect. Do Better. (and stop the world every once in a while)

Somewhere along the way we got lost. We veered from the path and ended up in a place where “help” became anathema in education.

Maybe it’s rugged American individualism. Maybe it’s a hyper-competitive culture. Maybe it’s a hide-weakness-at-all-costs attitude. Regardless, our kids tend to hide from help, and the farther they get into their journeys, the more they hide.

But why? And how? How did we get to a place where our job is to help only to find ourselves operating in a space where kids are afraid to ask us to perform our primary function? If we are not helping, are we teaching? If kids aren’t asking for help, are they learning?

Of course this is nothing new. I, too, remember hiding from help for the entirety of my experiences in school. And the only times I did ask for help was when I had reached a point of desperation and shouldered the shame, or I had a teacher who invited us to ask questions, who made “help” an accepted, expected part of the deal, but the latter was few and far between. Seeking help was never comfortable. Never.

Nothing new. Nothing has changed. Yesterday, I encountered a troubling experience with a young lady during fourth period. Troubling on two levels. One, she told me that asking for help made her feel stupid, Two–and this is most troubling, she was afraid to ask me for help. Me? Dang. And I work really hard–or so I thought–to make questions, to make help a necessary, a welcomed dynamic in our classroom. Here was the gist of our exchange.

She came out of hiding. She sought help. She got help. A lot. And I loved every minute of it. IT’S WHY I AM IN THE ROOM! No, it wasn’t easy for either of us. Learning is work, work that requires help. So, it was deeply gratifying for me to be that for her. I hope she turned a corner yesterday. I hope she is less-afraid to ask for help. I hope all my kids are, and I plan to make a point–again–of telling them that they must ask me for help. Must.

I dream of a new place in education, a place where help is the currency, where kids ask for help as not a sign of weakness but as a sign of power, expecting no less from their teachers. Help should be an expectation, a living, breathing entity in every classroom. Of this I dream.

Today’s Trail

Along today’s trail we will experience…

…connecting through Smiles and Frowns.

…responding to feedback.

…finishing our essays.

…reflecting in our Journey Journals.

…hearing a Sappy Sy Rhyme.

Happy Wednesday, all.

Do. Reflect. Do Better.

It’s a bit of madness, I think. There seems, at times, a disconnect between what should be and what is on any given day, in any given classroom, during any given year. And amidst the madness, between the ends, dwells the teacher.

It should be as simple as teachers teach and students learn. Should be. And though even teachers are generally wise to the mirage of “should be,” we, too, are drawn to this false oasis, as we set about our journey, each year, each day. We can’t help it, for most of us are eternal optimists, even if only for our kids. We owe them that. So each year, each morning, we put on our face-the-world smiles and hope–just hope–that today, that this year, everything will go, will be as it should. If only. For as the mirage fades into the horizon so does our smile as we face what is.

And what is, is never simple. It’s crazily complex, and maddeningly messy in its raw reality. And each day “what is” is rarely what should be. And though I do not know which “is” is in store for me today, this is what was yesterday.

• He got suspended again.
• Half the classes were gone on the biology field trip.
• Admin asked me to do a practice run of the Smarter Balanced Assessment with my kids before Monday.
• I can only get the Chrome Books two days this week.
• The wi-fi was not working.
• She needed me to remember that “great advice” I gave her on her essay ten days ago before break. And so did all her neighbors.
• There were sixteen hands up needing help, with five minutes left in class.
• Many kids indicated they will be gone to FBLA state Wednesday through Friday.
• Most kids reported they have games in various sports all week and will miss class in the afternoon.
• He won’t do it if I don’t sit down and do it with him.
• He won’t do it–no matter what I do,
• She can do it all, and more, without me.
• His ego was on the other end of my feedback. And so was everyone else’s as I gave them feedback, too.
• I was stressed about my own life.
• She needed food and water. I needed food and water.
• They didn’t understand why they had to take the SBA again. I neither had the time nor a good answer. I don’t understand, either.
• Speaking of the SBA, should I have done more prep? Should I try to squeeze some in? Do I care? (madness)
• I had to use the restroom. There were thirty minutes left in class.

Okay, enough (sorry for the TMI), but the list goes on. It always does. And though what should be and what is rarely agree, we do our best to meet the day ahead. And as we look out on our kids with needs bigger than we, we find again our fading smile and live in the reality of teaching, chasing the next mirage, embracing our place of madness. It’s what we do. It’s who we have to be in this mad, mad world. We are teachers, all of us. Mad, every one.

Today’s Trail

Along today’s trail we will experience…

…connecting through Smiles and Frowns.

…writing conclusions.

…wrapping up essays.

…reflecting in our Journey Journals.

…hearing a Sappy Sy Rhyme.

Happy Tuesday, all. Hope no one took my post as my complaining. I love my job. It’s just really tough sometimes. Still love it though, even on the toughest of days.

Do. Reflect. Do Better.

Last day before spring break. Still under the weather, but gonna limp through the day anyway. And the kids will help me. They always do.

I was so proud of how hard they worked yesterday, despite my being at half-power. Kids will rise, higher than we sometimes imagine, and they’ll do it without our forcing it. We just have to trust them. I trust them implicitly. Choose to. Have to, for I seek their commitment, not their compliance. And that means I have to let go. And that is not always easy–well, was not easy at first, for it feels, looks, and sounds far different than the compliance-creating classroom. But it’s gotten easier. Heck, on some level, it feels as natural as breathing. And I attribute that to two things. Connections and feedback.

Humans in the Room

As those who are my regular readers know, I value kids over content. As I have said, and as I tell my kids, regarding our purpose for Smiles and Frowns, “There is nothing more important than the people in the room, so we start with the people in the room.” Every day. No exceptions. If we do nothing else, we will do Smiles and Frowns. It is the center of the universe in room 206. Of course, as I often share, I do many other things to connect and sustain human life in my room, things that neglect, even ignore, some of the elements that may be found in more traditional settings. It is the environment I choose to create, for I find it creates the necessary conditions for human growth. Kids will rise in such an environment.

Don’t Please Feed the Humans

When we provide nurturing environments, we create ideal conditions for growth, and this means we end up with hungry humans. So, we have to feed them. With their basic human needs provided for, kids are set to learn, are eager to grow. It, I believe, is natural for humans to learn. But, when we create artificial experiences for kids in environments that ignore or fail to address their most basic needs and we feed them a fast-food, empty-calorie diet, centered on covering content, we stunt their growth.

So what does the alternative look like? What experiences do we then provide for kids to rise? I am not going to suggest that I have found the answer, but I have found that the most nutritional diet we can give our learners is feedback. Of course, that is not my discovery and I certainly have not found all the perfect ingredients yet, but with each batch, I get closer to building a recipe that kids readily eat. Such experimentation has led me to restrict nearly all experiences to feedback-creating opportunities. If it does not lead to a “meal,” then we don’t do it, and if it doesn’t result in kids being able to come back for seconds, even thirds (retakes), then what’s the point? If a kid cannot apply her new learning via feedback to another shot, are we really letting her learn? I don’t believe so. So, I give it the time. Does that result in covering less content? Unavoidably. Does it lead to more growth? How could it not? And that’s what I seek. Growth. My little humans, reaching, rising, in an environment built just for them.

Yesterday, they rose–without me. And when that happens, it gives me hope that when our tomorrows eventually carry them away, they will continue to rise.

Today’s Trail

Along today’s trail we will experience…

…connecting through Smiles and Frowns.

…wrapping up essay drafts.

…reflecting in our Journey Journals.

…hearing a Sappy Sy Rhyme.

Happy Friday, all. No posts during spring break next week. Have a great weekend. Thank you for being here.

Do. Reflect. Do Better.

Ugh. Feeling pretty shcrappy this morning. Darn spring cold, doesn’t it know I don’t have time for such nonsense? Kind of that place where I can function, so I don’t think I’m bad enough to stay home. But, of course, by 2:00 this afternoon I will likely feel quite differently about that. Should stay home. Rest. Recover. But I won’t. I can’t. The job calls. I’m needed. At least that’s what I tell myself. I have to be there.

What if “C” needs a place to cry? She might forget where the tissue is. Maybe three boxes at convenient locations in the room is not enough. Maybe I should place a fourth.

“N” might need water. You know what they say, “Hydrate or die.” Can’t have kids keeling over from thirst.

Maybe the sub won’t let “E” draw. She has to draw, even when I am talking. It, as I’ve shared before, is her oxygen.

“C” might need me to read her paper for the sixth time, ’cause, well five is probably not enough, and ending on an odd number is bad luck, right? Don’t they say that?

How will I know if “M” smiles, “My boys are here”? You know, the if-a-tree-falls-in-the-forest thing. Wonder if when I am gone, he frowns, “My boy’s not here.”

What if “A” has another breakthrough moment as writer? That’s like missing your kid’s birthday party. Can I miss that?

Okay, I’m done. Truth is, I don’t have to be there. I want to be there. I want to believe that they need me to be there. And maybe, on some level, I am worried that they’ll discover they don’t need me there if I am not. They’d be fine. They’ll be fine.

Fifty days from now they’re leaving anyway. Maybe that’s it. Maybe separation anxiety is beginning to creep into my being, and I am caught up in the mixed blessing of being connected. Silly human. Nothing lasts forever. Threads wear thin, and eventually, things come undone, but still, we cling while we can.

Alas, all, silly humans.

Today’s Trail

Along today’s trail we will experience…

…connecting through Smiles and Frowns.

…completing the body of our argumentative letters.

…reflecting in our Journey Journals.

…hearing a Sappy Sy Rhyme.

Happy Thursday, all.

Do. Reflect. Do Better.

“Smile. My boys are here.”

Mike doesn’t enjoy the game of school. I suspect he could play it well if he wanted to, but he doesn’t want to. He understands the game, I think; he just finds little interest in it, so he doesn’t play. Oh, he’s affable enough; in fact, I rather enjoy his gentle spirit and whimsical wit, both suggesting that if he more readily allowed it, one would discover just how amazing this iceberg of a young man is, as he tends to hide in the open, leaving much below the surface. But of late he’s come to hide less. And his presence is bringing out some of the other “hiders” around him, “his “boys,” as he calls them.

They sit in the northwest corner of the room, all quiet inhabitants of their space, all of whom are as likely to pass as they are to share, except Mike, whose smile or frown is always based on the presence or absence of his boys. Yesterday, as it came around to A.C., we suspected something was up when he said, “Smile. My boys are here,” and Mike (sitting to his right) cracked a smile, and then, he himself, of course shared,–twirling his hand around as he does–that his boys were there.

Next, Caleb, the quietest and least likely to share of the foursome, drew some anticipation as we wondered if he would follow the lead. “Smile. My boys are here,” he offered to Mike’s growing delight, his smile threatening to crack his face, as all eyes turned next to Jackson, who joined the chorus of the quartet, sending us into a roar of applause, as we reveled in the moment. Even Tyler (next but not part of the quartet). who nearly always passes, barely muttering “pass” each day, smiled in word and deed, as he, too, was caught up in the moment. The moment lived on.

Of course, it may either be coincidence or the approaching deadline for their essays, but the boys played school for a bit yesterday, all of them more productive than normal. And whether it was merely coincidental or simply some afterglow from the moment, the lights were on yesterday in the northwest corner of the room. The boys were there. Smile, indeed.

Today’s Trail

Along today’s trail we will experience…

…connecting through Smiles and Frowns.

…honoring community with “Share Some Care” (formerly, Choose a Champ).

…integrating text evidence.

…reflecting in our Journey Journals.

…hearing a Sappy Sy Rhyme.

Happy Wednesday, all.

Do. Reflect. Do Better.