“…suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
“‘Tis some visiter,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door—Only this and nothing more.”

Edgar Allan Poe, “The Raven”

Bit of a tough day yesterday. Doubt found me. Not sure if it was my talking about test scores yesterday morning or maybe our having so few days left in the year, but doubt came knocking. And, like a fool, I let him in.

And there he stood, staring me down, taking measure, making me wonder and worry over my decisions this year. Did I do enough of this? Did I do too much of that? Did she pass the SBA because of me? Did he fail the SBA because of me? Is everything because of me? Is anything because of me?

But the beating grew louder, louder! I thought the heart must burst. And now a new anxiety seized me –the sound would be heard by a neighbour! 

Edgar Allan Poe, “The Tell-Tale Heart”

Is anything because of me? Yes. No. I don’t know. In my “doubtier” moments I imagine a conversation. I am not sure who it is sitting on the other side of the table, but we are familiar, not friends…no, foes. He is not welcome in my room, but I will not ask him to leave, for this is a conversation we must have. It’s been coming for years. And, there where I sit, I am confident, resolute. I have thought long, I have thought hard. I must say what it is that’s built inside. This is my moment to fight, for I will not take flight. I open my mouth, and nothing comes out. ‘Twas only a mad imagining as he vanishes, and I snap back to reality.

I fill my lungs with air. I smile away my fright. I say good morning to each of my charges. And I teach. I teach. In these moments I teach harder than ever. I must. It is the only thing that stills the noise, as I sit and learn with my kids in our moments, the only real moments I know, the moments that keep the madness at bay, the moments that no outsider can know. Our moments. My only certainty.

So I cling. I cling to our moments. They make me whole. I am me again. And I shout to doubt at the door, “You are welcome, nevermore.” But he’ll be back, of this I am sure.

Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!”
Quoth the raven, “Nevermore.”

Edgar Allan Poe, “The Raven”

Today’s Trail

Along today’s trail we will experience…

…connecting through Smiles and Frowns.

…growing as writers.

…reflecting in our Journey Journals.

…hearing a Sappy Sy Rhyme.

Happy Tuesday, all. Sorry for the odd post. Unfortunately, it seems one’s struggle with “impostor syndrome” is just part of the journey. Thank you for letting me kick it from my front step this morning. Really am better today. The kids helped me through. They always do.

Do. Reflect. (kick doubt’s ass) Do Better.

Tired today. Not much to say. Must be Monday.

Been thinking too much about test scores as they trickle in. And even though “I don’t care,” I find that I do, especially for my kids who missed the mark this time. There will be a next time, for they are only sophomores, and they’ll have other opportunities to pass in the next two years, and the vast majority will, but it’s the now that worries me.

For a few, it will be a sober reminder that they will have to do more than rush through the motions. For some, it will be another “defeat” as they have yet to climb Mt. Standardization in their annual attempts in years and grades now past. And for others, it will serve as another reason for their disenfranchised resentment of the public school system.

In truth, we are talking but a small number, most of my kids have and will pass as the rest of the scores come in, but even so there are the few for whom I am sorry as they will have to continue playing the game.

Interestingly, it seems the “game” may soon change. In Washington State, it looks as if the SBA results will be de-linked from being a graduation requirement. Not sure what this will mean ultimately, but I am hopeful that it is a step in the right direction for devaluing standardized test scores as the measure of “success.” We’ll see. For now, I will just try to help my kids put things into perspective as we make our way through the rest of our soon-to-be over journey.

And, that’s all I have on this Monday.

Today’s Trail

Along today’s trail we will experience…

…reconnecting through Smiles and Frowns.

…growing as writers as we add another piece to our “This Is Me” projects.

…reflecting in our Journey Journals.

…hearing a Sappy Sy Rhyme.

Happy Monday, all.

Do. Reflect. Do Better.

“Sy, will you read this?”

In the next three seconds, I will build or break. Every word I utter, every gesture I make from this moment forward will carry or crash her hopes. 1, 2, 3…

There’s no script to follow. No manual to brush up on. No magic formula. It is raw. It is real. It is scary. Responding to writers is deeply personal and profoundly powerful. And there’s no size that fits all, which only makes the moment matter more because the build or break relies much on how well we know the writer before us, for she will weigh everything we say, she will carry with her–for years perhaps–our response. 1, 2, 3…

She somewhere along the way lost–or never had–confidence as a writer, which is perplexing to me, for she is more than able, consistently producing lovely pieces of writing. And so, I wonder and worry at her trepidation every time she seeks feedback. Is it simply part of her character? Was she wounded by a teacher’s remark in her past? Regardless the reason, she seems in pain when she asks, “Sy, will you read this?” 1, 2, 3…

“Of course, I’d love to. But, help me first, Mar. What do you want me to look for as your reader?”

She knows better than to ask me to tell her if it’s “good,” but her past conditioning takes her there anyway, and she smiles at my smile as I shake my head no. And we pause for a moment as I once again, gently remind her that “good” carries little meaning, that it honors not her the writer, nor her writing. She should expect from me a more dignified response, than “good” or “bad.”

“Why did you write this piece, kiddo? What do you want it to do for me as a your reader?”

“I want you to feel like you are at my family’s cabin. I want to know if the senses are working?”

“Ah, those are the questions, chica. Those give me purpose as your reader.”

So, I set to reading, her eyes not watching but weighing, an almost unnerving feeling as the reader’s being read. And then the reader must speak, a new microscope to endure as he ferrets out the right words to say to this young lady, seeking to build from this precipitous moment in her growth as a writer. 1, 2, 3…

And that’s one kid. One writer. Each a study in herself, as I move from one to the next helping, hopefully not hurting, in our moment, seconds at a time in place where there is simply not enough time, in a place where my impact in the grand scheme of her development is but a blink, but those seconds may last a lifetime. A lifetime.

It is no small thing, then, this power we wield. It is scary. In a mere matter of seconds, we change a world.

Today’s Trail

Along today’s trail we will experience…

…connecting through Smiles and Frowns.

…choosing a champ.

…growing as writers through drafting and conferencing.

…reflecting in our Journey Journals.

…hearing a Sappy Sy Rhyme.

Happy Friday, all. Have a great weekend.

Do. Reflect. Do Better.

Morning, all. Have some exciting news to share. I’m going on a cruise! I was lucky enough to end up as a winner in the Norwegian Cruise Lines Giving Joy contest.

I am so blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful, supportive people. People near and far were kind enough to cast their votes to put me in 13th place with 2301 votes to get into into the semi-finals (top 60). From there I had to submit video, photos, and quotes to make it into the top 30 to win a cruise. Now I am hoping to make into the top 3, so I can win a cash prize for Cheney High School.

It has been a long six weeks with lots of anxious moments as we moved through the various phases of the contest, but the last week has seemed an eternity, for I knew I had won, but I couldn’t tell anyone, so I had to lie to a few people, including my mom. Sorry, Mom.

We will find out the grand prize winners in Seattle on May 3rd when Norwegian Cruise Lines flies my wife and me to the awards gala, where I will meet the other twenty-nine winners from all over the U.S. and Canada. Sadly, only thirty won, and I was lucky enough to be among them. Every teacher deserves such an award, so I am counting my blessings.

Of all, I am excited to be able to take my lovely wife on a cruise for our 25th wedding anniversary next year. She is also a teacher, so I am pleased that she, too, gets to experience the joy of such an honor. We have never done anything like this in our twenty-seven years together, so it will truly be a treat. Thank you to any and all who supported us along the way. We are eternally grateful, and we will enjoy every moment of our upcoming experience. Thank you.

Today’s Trail

Along today’s trail we will experience…

…connecting through Smiles and Frowns.

…growing as writers as we work through the various pieces of our This Is Me projects.

…reflecting in our Journey Journals.

…hearing a Sappy Sy Rhyme.

Happy Thursday, all.

Do. Reflect. Do Better.

Been feeling a little grumpy lately. Started to take personally kids’ not making the most of their time during independent work time. Didn’t like feeling this way. Monday, it came to a head, and I had to find a “different,” had to find a better. So, yesterday morning I came up with this idea.

Decided to share it on Twitter, for I know I am not alone, and I want others to know that they are not alone either.

It’s a delicate thing, giving kids ownership, for it requires letting go, and that is not always easy, but if we don’t let go, they know, and they then do not trust our words. For me–really, for them–it is not enough to speak the words. My deeds have to match. My walk has to match my talk. When I say, “You are responsible for your learning,” I have to give them responsibility. So, yesterday, I let go. For them. For me. I could not stay in my place of grumpiness, and I had to own, as I mentioned in the Twitter thread above, the culture I have created for my kids. I can’t give them freedom all year long, and then bluster at their taking liberty. I had to level with them, not “level them,” as if it’s their fault.

So, we talked. And as we did, I emphasized, as I have done all year, that I am interested not in their compliance but their commitment, and that I was coming from that place, a place of encouraging commitment. Not sure, I can genuinely come from any other place. I can play–have played–the heavy, but that is not me. As I have remarked in the past, getting kids to comply is no great thing. And though I haven’t worked out all the wrinkles in this commitment cloak I wear, it fits me. It’s who I am. I can’t, I won’t hide from that. And even though it seems a return to the old ways might be the answer in tougher times, I shrug off such thoughts and venture ahead, believing better is out there, which in the end may prove that I was only a wandering fool, chasing the glitter of better.

Today’s Trail

Along today’s trail we will experience…

…connecting through Smiles and Frowns.

…drafting our first “This Is Me” piece.

…incorporating “tricks of the trade” into our writing.

…tracking “off-task” time.

…reflecting in our Journey Journals.

…hearing a Sappy Sy Rhyme.

Happy Wednesday, all.

Do. Reflect. Do Better.

I tried. Really, I did. Still trying. Sitting here staring at the screen hoping something will come across the radar for me to write about this morning. But the screen is just staring back. No blips on the radar.

Doesn’t happen very often. But, when it does, it’s confounding.

I thought about “D’s” response to my question, “What’s been a significant year for you, ‘D’?” (Kids are working on their cross-sections of their “trees,” examining their growth rings.)

“This year, Sy. Got my boots on the ground. Getting things done. Way better than last year.”

“Boots on the ground. Love that, ‘D’.”

Thought about “B” whose eyes came alive yesterday. He rarely does anything, but something about yesterday’s “growth ring” activity brought him to life–maybe more commitment from him yesterday than all year combined. How do I capture that? What was the difference? Wonder if I should ask him? Wonder if he could tell me? Wonder how much of it’s luck v. approach when it comes to student commitment? Wonder if it has to happen this way–in its own time and way?

I thought about “T” not sharing once during Smiles and Frowns this year. Not once. Her “share” is only and ever a quiet, respectful, “pass.” Oh we have talked about it. And I am more than okay with her passing, and she even gave me a lovely card thanking me for respecting her right to pass. Yesterday, I wondered if it might not be better to just skip over her as we go around the room, instead of “making” her say pass every day–because we know she is going to pass every day. But then that closes the door, for every day when it comes to her, I think–just for a moment–today might be the day. Just in case, I want to leave that door open. And I think there’s still value in our recognizing her every day, and allowing–respecting–her right to pass. More, I have committed to saying every kid’s name at least once every day this year, and at the very least, I get to do that.

I thought about all my kids and colleagues at CHS who had to deal with our losing one of our students to a car accident over the weekend as we all have dealt with hard reality of loss, all processing and grieving in our own ways.

I thought about spying “C” walking past my window during 3rd, tapping on my window to get his attention. He’s one I worry and wonder about a lot. And after some clunky sign language, I came to learn he was headed home because he was ill. Was still worried, but was relieved he wasn’t ditching.

Thought about…still thinking about a lot of things, but I haven’t found anything to say. Will do better tomorrow. Always better tomorrow.

Today’s Trail

Along today’s trail we will experience…

…connecting through Smiles and Frowns.

…publishing our “growth rings”

…planning piece one of six for our “This Is Me” writing project.

…reflecting in our Journey Journals.

…hearing a Sappy Sy Rhyme.

Happy Tuesday, all. Sorry for a whole lot of nothing today. Find my muse again tomorrow.

Do. Reflect. Do Better.

Sometimes I imagine teachers are trees,
as we add new growth rings each year.
Of course, no year is the same,
our “rings” not uniform.
I imagine the bigger rings are our tougher years,
years we have absorbed more carbon
to release more oxygen into our kids’ atmospheres,
so they may breathe.
Some years we seem to stand alone.
Other years we brush branches.
Some years we endure drought.
Others we drink deeply the rains.
Even fires we survive.
We survive. We thrive.
So our kids may breathe.
To all my friends in the forest,
I am honored to grow among you.

This began as a tweet. I sent it out into the Twitterverse Saturday morning, hoping it would find my fellow teachers as we all come to add a new ring this year. Fortunately, it found many, and seemingly, it resonated with many, too, as several chimed in, identifying with the metaphor, some calling it “poetry.” So, this morning, I tried to make it look a little more “poetic” in form. And then, just as I am writing this I received notification that one of my followers on Twitter turned it into a poster.

We live. We learn. We suffer. We thrive. We survive. We climb. We fall. We bend. We break. We grow again. And again. We grow.

And it is this very idea that I will carry into the classroom today as I get the kids to think more deeply about their own trees, their own rings as they search themselves for ideas for our “This Is Me” project. I will ask them to do their own cross-sections today, identifying, examining, and sharing their own “growth rings.”

Trees and humans, not so different we. All enduring, surviving, and growing in the same forest. Wish we could all see that a little better at times. We are the forest.

Today’s Trail

Along today’s trail we will experience…

…reconnecting with Smiles and Frowns.

…revisiting our “This Is Me” project (put on hold for testing)

…considering, identifying, examining, and publishing our growth rings.

…reflecting in our Journey Journals.

…hearing a Sappy Sy Rhyme.

Happy Monday, all. May your trees thrive today.

Do. Reflect. Do Better.

But how will we “catch” their learning?

Been wrestling with a lot of ideas the past few days as I dream and scheme about the creation of a feedback-only classroom. But, the most formidable opponent I’ve been grappling with is how I will capture the learning.

My thinking to this point has pushed me to consider “story” as my desired end based on the early and emerging rationale for creating this feedback-focused experience for my kiddos in the first place.

What is learning?
We learn from experiences.
Experiences provide feedback opportunities.
Feedback opportunities promote growth.
Growth is evidence of learning.
Learning is the goal.
So, our goal is to provide meaningful growth experiences so each student may learn.

Yesterday, I was able to make some headway with my messy thinking. I started with the end in mind, for in the end, I want kids to capture their learning as stories stemming from “growth moments.” Here is what I roughed out in that regard.

This–or some future, better draft of this–is what I hope will empower my kids to capture and tell their stories as we make our way through the feedback cycle to find their “growth moments.” That is what I want; consequently, that is what I never really found with traditional grades, which purported to tell the story, but they were always a report too short. They never truly told the tale.

Numbers and letters get in the way, often creating ends before the learning has even begun. My belief–and certainly neither mine first nor exclusively–is that feedback is the stuff of learning. It is what compels and propels learners. But it also propels and compels teachers. I will no longer “hide” behind symbols, pretending they are an adequate language to communicate learning. Without them, I will be “exposed.” I will have to be a better “feedbacker,” ever mindful of the fact that I am co-authoring my kids’ learning stories every time I open my mouth, or move my pen. And that is my next match, my next wonder to wrestle: the how of my feedback.

Today’s Trail

Along today’s trail we will experience…

…connecting through Community Circle.

…hearing a Sappy Sy Rhyme.

Happy Friday, all. For the most part, “done” with testing. So glad to to authentically engage my kids today. Been an artificial week. Feel like we get our classroom back today.

Do. Reflect. Do Better.

Morning, all. Don’t have much today. I am growing weary of whining about testing, and I suspect you’re getting tired of listening to me, so I won’t go there today. I could–lots to whine about it still, but I won’t. Instead, I will look ahead.

Been chewing on some more ideas for next year. Been trying to refine the tenets of the Project 180 Classroom as I look ahead to its next evolution. Still schemin’ and dreamin’, but here is some of what’s bouncing around in my head.

The Project 180 Classroom…

…considers how students feel.

…builds and maintains relationships.

…focuses on feedback.

…believes school should happen at school.

…peddles possibility.

…offers opportunity.

…defines learning as growth.

…prioritizes standards.

…believes in assessment as learning.

…rejects grades and standardized testing.

…recognizes learning happens in different ways and at different times for each student.

…embraces mistakes as necessary steps in the learning process.

…humanizes the educational experience.

…requires reflection.

…seeks commitment, not compliance.

…insists students take ownership of their learning.

…embraces noise.

…believes learning is a story to be captured and told by the learner.

…evolves constantly.

…defines success criteria for learning experiences.

…requires retakes.

…believes students’ needs are more important than the teachers’ wants.

…meets students where they are.

…believes learning conversations (conferences with students) are critical components in learning.

…seeks to inspire other teachers to innovate, not imitate.

Well, that’s what’s rattlin’ round in my head. And though they are not final, and forever in flux, these are the thoughts and ideas that drive me, the thoughts and ideas that I hope are reflected in my word and work, the thoughts and ideas that show on my outside as well as my inside.

Happy Thursday, all. Last “official” day of testing today, but there will be several kids who have to continue tomorrow. And that…

I am not going to whine. I am not going to whine. I am not going to whine.

Do. Reflect. Do Better.

Dream of an end you’ll never catch and chase it every day of your life.

Better. It’s a word I often float. It’s a path I persistently pursue. And that’s good, right? Well, not always. Better benefits, no doubt. But better costs, too.

Benefit of Better

Better drives me to places both professionally and personally that I’d never reach if I stayed stuck in place. So, I relentlessly pursue “my next,” convinced that’s the key to success: Dream of an end you’ll never catch and chase it every day of your life.

And so, I chase. And whether it is a pioneering spirit or just simply ADD (likely the latter), I am constantly on the move. Never one who’s found much comfort in the way things are, I constantly dream of the way things might be. As such, this, I believe, has made be a better teacher, a better husband, a better father…a better human.

Cost of Better

As awesome as it feels, better has side effects, too. Constant change is exhausting. And whether it’s a look back at all the work that led to the present better–which will now be left behind, or the look ahead at all the work in front of the next better, it is an exhausting existence. It’s also scary.

As one who finds no comfort in the status quo, I am never comfortable, and a measure of comfort is necessary for stability, for sanity, for security. So, then–to varying degrees and at varying moments, I am unstable, insane, and insecure. Did I just say that? Probably not a wise admission if one wants to keep his followers. Kidding–mostly–aside, better is scary. And scary can be lonely.

Most cling to comfort. And I cannot blame them; in fact I often envy them. Many a day, I wish I could stay. Just stay, but I know my envious moment is fleeting as I keep constant vigil on the horizon, wondering what’s ahead, knowing I will not pause, knowing that I will not stay, that I cannot stay. And because there are fewer than more who venture far from their place of comfort, at times, it’s lonely chasing better. Please know I am neither pointing fingers nor suggesting that their staying is bad or that my moving is superior. It’s just the nature of the chase. At least in place, one never really gets lost. Bereft of place, one is frequently lost. And that is self-inflicted loneliness. If I am lonely, it is largely my fault, but I take heart in knowing that even if I am lost and lonely, I am not alone.

Not at all. There are a number of folks I have met on my journey, near and far, who, too, chase better, and I am made less lonely.

Of course, I am off again. The horizon called, and I answered. Yesterday, I gave preview of my new path, http://www.letschangeeducation.com/chasing-better-dreams-of-a-feedback-only-classroom/. I am going to completely revamp my grading approach for next year by trying to create a learning environment fueled only by feedback. It, I believe, will be better. But it will be exhausting, frightening, and lonely–all things I have come to expect and accept from this beautiful, baneful existence of better.

Still Testing…

Today, we enter into “day two” of testing. We are on a block schedule, so though we have been testing for two days, really it’s the kids’ second day of testing, and the silence…well, it screams at me.

Happy Wednesday, all. Thank you for enduring my ADD.

Do. Reflect. Do Better.