Courage is not without fear. I am neither the first to make such a suggestion, nor will I be the last. Twain, Roosevelt, Mandela and others said it first and better. But from whomever such words hail, there is truth, there is wisdom. To be brave is to be afraid.

I am afraid. So, I guess I must be brave. At least I like the sound of that. In my darker, less-certain moments it helps to think that I am doing brave work. But even armed with such notions of self-importance–maybe self-inflicted delusion–I falter. I doubt. I wonder. I worry. Am I doing brave work? Or am I just on a crazy crusade? And if I am, what’s the cost? Am I chasing better to the betterment or the detriment of my students? I wonder. I worry. I’m haunted.

I live with ghosts. 

“Other teachers give more work. Maybe I need to give more work.”

“Smiles and Frowns takes time. Maybe I am wasting instructional time.”

“Kid seem to take their other classes more seriously. Maybe I need to make my class more serious.”

“Other teachers cover more content. Maybe I need to cover more content.”

“Other teachers don’t give their kids as much freedom as I do. Maybe I need to give my kids less freedom.”

“Many believe that hard deadlines teach responsibility. Maybe I need to be harder with my deadlines.”

“I do a lot of corny things with and for my kids. Maybe I need to do fewer corny things.”

“I neither value nor believe in standardized testing data. Maybe I am wrong. What if I am wrong?”

“I do not believe that every kid will learn everything I teach while they are with me. Maybe it’s wrong to think that they will eventually.”

“Other teachers don’t allow resources, retakes, redo’s, or corrections on assessments. Maybe I am giving them too many lifelines.”

“Other teachers seem so sure that traditional approaches are the best way for kids to learn. Maybe I should go back to traditional ways.”

Maybe. Lots a maybe’s. There are many more, and they all cast shadows upon my journey. They make me wonder. They make me worry. And while they are near-constant companions, they never quite fully take hold, and I continue. I keep moving forward, for I remember that it was the “mirage of maybe” that led me astray in the first place, a vision, a belief that a better was on the horizon. And it was thus that I set out to distance myself from the status quo, breaking from its comfort, doubting its wisdom. For I believed that maybe, just maybe, I might find that better. And so I took a step. Maybe a brave step. Not certain of that. But I am certain that it was not a step without fear. For fear is the only certainty I know. I’m afraid. Always afraid. But that’s why I continue. To stop is to give in. But I can’t. Won’t reach better that way. Have to keep walking. One brave step at a time.

Today’s Trail

Along today’s trail we will…

…begin with Smiles and Frowns.

…officially kick off Project Be A Voice.

…reflect in our Journey Journals.

…end with a Sappy Sy Rhyme.

Happy Monday, all.

Do. Reflect. Do Better.

 

 

Seems I was the odd one out yesterday. Well, I guess, in some respects, I am that one most days. But yesterday’s oddity came in the form of my being about the only one of my kids’ teachers who did not give a test. Most of my kids had four to five major tests on the same day. On Wednesday, the day before, caught up in a moment of incredulity upon learning that there would be an honors bio test on top of the honors math and AP history tests, Dylan caught us all off-guard when he dropped an F-bomb. “And all on the same effin’ day.” I don’t know what surprised us more. The word. Or who said it. Either, it was said. Maybe it had to be. He didn’t say it gratuitously, recklessly, or unabashedly. He apologized. And he meant it. But he also meant the message behind what he had said earlier. And I listened. But I am one. Others need to listen, too.

Yesterday, I listened more as I heard kids speak of staying up all night, falling asleep at their computers, their haggard expressions revealing their inestimable stress. Stress. Stressed brains can’t learn. Stress stinks. My room stunk all day yesterday. I couldn’t ignore it, so I didn’t. I gave them a break. I didn’t give them the day off. I gave them a choice. They could do my work, or they could study for their tests. The work in my class is important. But it is not more important than my kids. Sid was obviously worried about her bio test as she was trying to sneak some studying in during Smiles and Frowns, something she ordinarily wouldn’t do. She wasn’t being disrespectful to or inconsiderate of her peers. She was stressed. And as I thought ahead to our day, looking out upon my stressed kiddos, I didn’t want to add to their stress by creating a situation where they were trying to sneak about, worrying about upsetting me as their stress compelled them to study for their upcoming tests. So, I gave them some grace. I acknowledged their situation and tried to help them achieve some regulation in their lives. My work will be there when they get there. And when they do, it may well be they will be in a less-stressed state so they can actually learn.

So what’s the answer? Not sure, but, as is, is madness. I don’t believe it’s about coordinating test days among teachers. That would become a proprietary, logistical nightmare. But maybe it is about re-imagining the use of assessment. Maybe instead of creating high-stakes, high-stress OF learning situations with assessment, we can create FOR or AS learning situations that give kids another shot AS they learn the material. Of course, in that re-imagining exists a lot of time, thought, and effort, but I believe it is worth the challenge if it creates a better way for our kids to learn. Our kids do not need this much stress in their lives. And I believe we can change it, so they don’t. But I cannot do it alone. I am not patting myself on the back, suggesting that I am the only teacher in my building who cares about kids. To be sure, I believe many practice compassion, and that’s great. Truly. But I am calling out those who adhere to what’s been done for seemingly no better reason than it’s what’s been done. No fan of the status quo. I become an adversary when it crushes kids, and I seek to smite it. We can do better. All of us.

Today’s Trail

Along today’s trail we will…

…begin with Smiles and Frowns.

…clear the clutter (we were supposed to have Community Circle today, but a lot of kids are out for a field trip, so we moved it to next Friday).

…end with a Sappy Sy Rhyme.

Happy Friday, all. Have a great weekend.

Do. Reflect. Do Better.

Got myself a good tired going on. Been riding high all week with my kiddos, and today I have crashed a bit. It’s a good crash, no bumps, no bruises. But it’s a crash, and I love it. Even so, gonna ease off the pedal some today to give myself and the kids a chance to regroup. Learning is messy, and we have created some loose ends, some clutter this week, so we will clear the clutter today.

A highlight from yesterday was choosing our Classroom Community Champs. Proud of how my kids regard each other. We spend a lot of time building community, so when I see them honor each other in this and in other ways, it makes the time we spend worth it. Kids rock.

Today’s Trail

Along today’s trail we will…

…begin with Smiles and Frowns.

…clear the clutter.

…end with a Sappy Sy Rhyme.

Happy Thursday, all. Sorry for the short post. Have a great day.

Do. Reflect. Do Better.